
Once upon a time there was a ninja. He was good at what he did, but he was struggling to put food on the table for his wife and children. One day, he read in the newspaper that suiperproducer Joel Silver and the Wachowskis were making a movie called “Ninja Assassin” and he figured, hey, that’s right in my wheelhouse. He came to the auditions with resume in hand, waiting three hours in the rain for a chance to meet the producers. When it came time to show how talented he was, he entered the audition room and proceeded to do every improbable move the characters in the script performed.
When he finished, he was approached by Silver and company, “Great job,” said Mr. Silver, “but we can’t hire you.”
“Why not?” asked the ninja. “Did I not perform the spectacular feats fitting of a topflight ninja in a photogenic manner?”
“Well, you were great. But we’re going in a different direction.”
“What do you mean a different direction? It is still called ‘Ninja Assassin,’ isn’t it?
“Yeah, but we’ve decided to use cheap, highly unrealistic-looking computer effects to simulate exactly what you just showed us. Without breaking a sweat, even.”
“For the entire movie?” That’s not in the tradition of older ninja movies.”
“Well, not for the entire movie. Mot of the fighting is going to happen in CGI-assisted darkness. That way, it’s harder for the audience to tell what’s going on. You know, if a ninja stuntman were to look like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Even though you, a ninja, did indeed look like you knew what you were doing.”
“No, you don’t understand! I know you want to cut down the amount of takes and reduce the likelihood of injury, but I’ll give you all I have. I’ll happily bleed for your movie!”
“Oh, no, don’t worry about that. We’ll use fake-looking CGI-blood too. You see, the director, James McTeigue, he’s a perfectionist, and because squibs are so unreliable, we’re using Commodore 64 blood effects, because you can control that. And we can’t trample on his vision.”
“James McTeigue?”
“He directed ‘V For Vendetta,’ yes.”
“I thought that was the Wachowskis.”
“No. Everyone makes that mistake.”
“Oh, wait. Didn’t he ghost-direct that piece of shit ‘Invasion’ movie?”
“I think you’re making things up.”
As a result, the ninja was not hired, and he proceeded to get evicted, losing his wife and kids. We, the audience, ended up getting “Ninja Assassin.” The ninja is better off.