The Princely Blog Mk 2

Writer's Block: Memo to Myself

2009-08-10T16:08:07Z

If you could travel back in time, what advice would you give to your younger self?

"Don't go back in time! You'll fuck up the space/time continuum!"

A snivelling apology and a characteristic rant or twelve...

2009-08-07T22:46:32Z

So- haven't done one of these in a while...

Okay, okay. I apologise to anyone who enjoying reading my ramblings from time to time (Hi, Mum!) I have been writing, just concentrating on The Popcorn Bucket rather than my various personal blogs. I often find I only have the energy to do one. Mind you, with the film one, all I'm doing is reviewing a film, which anyone can see. With this one, I have to delve deep into my mind and pull out something non-boring, which can be tough. So here's what's been going on:

I accidently (honestly) offended a budding journalist friend of mine after I offered some advice on how to improve their blog. I meant it as friendly constructive criticism but it was taken as an all-out attack, with me blowing holes in their grandiose ship of dreams with my bastardcannons. I should tell you that this conversation took place over MSN, so this misunderstanding wasn't due to my misleading general sarcastic nature. It reminded me of this article which I stumbled across whilst researching some Internet related shite for my course. Certainly makes you think twice about all those messages you get on a day-to-day basis.

In more irritating news, my 20 year old sister seems to have turned into a preteen again with her love of the Twilight books and film and worst of all, The Jonas Brothers.

Let me sum up my feelings for each of these things in neat subheadings.

Twilight

Why are people so sucked in by this franchise? I've read the first book and seen the film and I don't get it. Yes, one could argue that Twilight is not aimed at me and people like me, but at the end of the day true brilliance doesn't have an age limit. Look at the Harry Potter series. The Twilight book shocked me with its linguistic simplicity, I would have honestly thought that some Goth girl in secondary school had written it to fill in the agonising pointless hours waiting for her parents to "understand her" and for the boys to call. I mean, even Edward Cullen's fucking breath is described as amazing:

"As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water."

and let's not forget the infinitely quotable line:

"I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest."

That is not writing. That is coupling a list of unspired, mawkish adjectives with Gray's Anatomy For Dummies.

The film is rather uninspiring as well, but rather than repeat myself, just go here for my review.

The Jonas Brothers

The High School Musical fad not camp enough for you? Then listen to the Jonas Brothers and let their shiny, corporate, finger-clickin' tunes give you diabetes of the ear. I have the utmost respect for the actual Jonas Brothers themselves who take credit for ghost-written songs and the like, but at least they can play their own instruments which is still a rarity in this bubblegum pop world. What gets to me is the way the whole "purity ring" thing has been sold as part of the Jonas package (honestly not intended as a pun). It's a classic safeguard that's been done time and time again in the music industry with artists like Britney Spears. By focussing on the virginity issue, they (and by "they" I mean the soulless fuckwallets in the Disney marketing department) are also drawing attention to it- i.e." They're not going to have SEX before marriage. They're not having SEX..." and so on. South Park pointed this out brilliantly in the episode entitled The Ring, so check it out if you can.

The songs aren't even that good.You'd expect a slick Disney product to have some irritatingly catchy songs that bore into the head like a vicious brainworm, but they're just...meh. Don't get me wrong, catchy, inoffensive, sugary-sweet pop is fine. It's harmless. What gets to me is the darker undertones that lurk behind the Jonas Brothers as a product. It's quite disturbing.

Anyway, that's all I can think of right now.

Peace out people,

Ben "I'm slippin' into the lava" Browne

TBC: A St. David's Day update

2009-03-01T10:00:25Z

Saturday, February 28th 2009

Yep, it's another diary entry (haven't done one of these in a long time).

Woke up and felt like crap. Not ill, just a bit down. I hate mornings like that because you can't feel any different- you automatically feel shitty. Decided to do something about it and went to town with Isaac and Freya (two of my Uni friends, if you don't know)

Went to McDonalds for lunch. We were preoccupied with a bunch of Koreans at another table, all talking excitedly and whipping out all sorts of games consoles and leads. Worked on the theory that it was National Racial Stereotype Day, but a closer inspection of KFC over the road revealed no black people. Theory abandoned.

Had a look in Snooper's Paradise- a huge antiques store, but with interesting things like old Commodore 64 games and action figures as well as old furniture. It's fascinating looking at some of the stuff for sale there. They have odd things like Beatles pomade as well as the largest amount of vintage Playboys you'll ever see. Cue one of my quotations of the day from Isaac:

Isaac: (Upon seeing a 1960s Playboy) "I've always been a bit fascinated by all the retro Playboys- I kinda find the old timey quality a bit sexy. What do they look like inside?"

Freya: "What do you mean? They just have pictures of naked ladies..."

Isaac: (Way too loudly) "Yeah, but what I mean is, could I just have a good old wank?"

A man coughs loudly and purposefully

On the way back from town, I asked the question "Say if you witnessed a crime and had to be put into the Witness Protection Programme and had to change your name, what would you change it to?" Freya said that she would unchange her name from Freya to her birthname of Jesse. I said I would change my name to James or Thomas as I've always liked those names. After a long pause, Isaac said:

"I think I would change it to just Jericho or something."

Last time I ask him a serious question...

Anyway, I now pose that question to you. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to and why?

Peace out lovebastards,

Ben "March is X-Men month on my calendar!" Browne

TBC: Wall-punching aggravation...

2009-02-23T07:06:44Z

Alright people? Sorry I keep neglecting my blog, it's tough to think of things to write other than "went to Uni, got home, chatted to people, went to sleep" .

However, I have had a fucking frustrating week and will now vent on this blog.

Firstly,
I found out I'd been going to the wrong lectures for two weeks. I was told this in a casual aside, rather than in an official and respectful manner. What annoys me is that it isn't my fault- I was marked down on the list for "Popular Culture" and not on "Introduction to Journalism" so what was I meant to think? University bastards.

Secondly,
my Xbox died. This may not sound like a big deal, but think of your way to de-stress and unwind not being available to you anymore and come back to me. Luckily, I can get it fixed for free. Double luckily, I still have my PS3.

Thirdly,
my PS3 died. I wish I was making this up. Turns out having a clumsy mate drop it on the floor isn't good for it and it now stubbornly refuses to work. So, now I've lost my gaming and my film watching.

The phrase "fuckshitbuggerlycuntingbollocks!" made popular in "Mary Poppins" (1964) doesn't even begin to cover it.

Ever had one of those infuriating weeks? Tell me and we'll cry together.

TBC: Renewed vigour and depleted social skills

2009-01-23T02:19:06Z

I know it's been a long time since I posted, but one of the main reasons for this is that I've had nothing to report. I've not been bored though, so hurrah for that. So, what Earth-shattering event has tempted me back into blogging? Well, nothing really. However, I dropped a bit of a clanger whilst doing laundry that I thought you'd like in a schadenfreude-type way. Picture the scene- a quiet laundry room. I am sitting down, waiting for my washing to finish and generally minding my own business. Enter large female student. She sits down and much to my chagrin, she tries to strike up a conversation:

Her: Hey, how's it going?
Me: Alright, you?
Her: Yeah, fine.
There is a short silence
Her: Don't you just hate washing?
Me: (Half-hearted) Yeah...
She gets up to put her washing in a free machine
Me: So, washing the ol' bedclothes then?
Her: ...
It is at this point I realise she's holding a T-shirt. Fuck.

Luckily, my washing finished and I got the hell out of there. Nasty, eh? So, in order to renew my e-friendships with you people, I'd like to know some of the social clangers you've dropped. Is it the classic "mistaking a fat lady for pregnant" one or something else? I'd like to know...

Peace out,

Ben "Wash my mouth out with soap" Browne

TBC: It's times like these I wish I had a fast-forward button for my life...

2008-11-03T02:04:48Z

I know I throw this phrase around a lot, but I'm bored. Very bored. I have a Reading Week this week and I have nothing to do about from to keep existing and possibly get a trusted friend to jab me every few hours to make sure I haven't shuffled off this mortal coil. By the way, it's "reading" as in book reading rather than "Reading" as in "Dude, I totally got stabbed in Reading last night."

So what to do? If past experiences are anything to go by, boredom is a dangerous catalyst when put together with me. Instead of reading, watching films, playing games, walking around and trying to better the human race, I will most likely will attempt something so stupid that even the most deranged inmates at St. Spacky's Hospital for the Retardedly Retarded will call me a nutter and walk away shaking their heads.

It's important to get one thing straight though, I really wish my tedium induced twattery didn't exist. I'm not proud of the downright stupid things I do when I have no stimulus in front of me. Example? Last time I was bored, I tried to inch myself along our hall corridor without letting my feet touch the ground- you know that thing that spies do? One foot on each wall and you use your hands to help you move along. Thing is, I have the grace of a black pudding and gravity soon saw fit to bring me crashing down to earth, with my entire weight on my outstretched fingers. Fucking ow. Both my digits and my pride were severely hurt.

So, I turn to you- the loyal blogee for advice. What can I do this week that won't involved acting like a twat? Maybe a project or an experiment would help. I really don't know. Anyways, help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!

Peace out people,

Ben "Quantum of Solace rocked the shit" Browne

TBC: Hallowe'en, Solace and the general public...

2008-10-31T00:54:49Z

Ah, Hallowe'en (Yes, that is the correct way to write it you heathens). Never has a "holiday" done so little to become so big. I swear, 5 years ago no-one gave a flying, ghostly fuck about the king of non-holidays- but now it's everywhere. I've never really cared about it to be honest, what with me not being Pagan at all. It's just merely another horrible way The Man gets his hands on your hard-earned dosh. The added kick in the teeth is you pay good money to look like an absolute tit.

So, I'm not a fan of All Hallows Eve in general. Another thing I'm not a fan of in general is the public. I refer specifically to the whole Ross/Brand/Sachs phone thing- if you're not familiar with what I'm talking about I suggest you click here and discover it for yourself. I'll wait...

Nearly done?

No?

Hurry up...

You with me now? Good. Anyway- has there ever been such a non-story blown out of all proportion? What I love about the whole thing is how the number of complaints shoot up. People were literally seeking out the transcript/Youtube video just to get offended and complain. Do people have nothing better to do with their time? I fucking hate the press in this country- there is nothing good about them anymore. They are a bunch of money-grabbing, sensationalist, privacy invading cunts.

Whilst I'm not in favour of what Brand and Ross did, it's a complete overreaction. Once they apologised and Sachs accepted it, that should have been it. I realise that some of the furore is over the fact that the show was a pre-record and it was still allowed on the air. My point is that I have now lost one of my favourite radio shows thanks to the stupid bastards who decided to jump on the "I'm offended and have no will of my own" bandwagon. Hopefully, said bandwagon catches fire and falls into a fiery fire with added fire. Grr.

With the spleen ventilation completed, I am free to talk about happier things. "Quantum of Solace" is out today and I couldn't be more excited! Now is a good time to be a Bond fan as most of the damage "Die Another Day" did (check out the alliteration!) has been erased thanks to "Casino Royale". If "Quantum of Solace" is half as good as I hope it is, I will be sitting through the screening with a massive erection.

I'll let you know my thoughts on the film on my film site - here

Peace out people,

Ben "Would turn gay for Daniel Craig" Browne

TBC: Maybe I should have spent more of my life chronicling...

2008-10-28T02:18:09Z

Alright? How are things? If you're reading this on LiveJournal, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch and I plead for your forgiveness. If on MySpace, carry on as normal.

Things have been pretty good of late. I'm managing to not slip back into the murky waters of Depression Cove, so at least that's something. I was talking to my hallmate Laurence earlier and the whole blogging thing came up. I said that it helped me get over some tough times, or at least made the tough times more bearable. He then produced this awesome (I mean that in the literal way) book chronicling about 4 or 5 years. It was basically a scrapbook but had some really great and thought provoking stuff in it.

I've seen this sort of stuff before (not to take anything away from Laurence's memory behemoth) and every time I view them a little voice in my head sneers "Why haven't you done something like this?" or even "Look at all the nice places they've been to/ people they've met/ things they've done whilst you were watching films and playing games".

I suppose this blog is way of documenting all those bus trips and visits to Sainsbury's, but still...

I hate my brain- it's so bitchy.

Do you keep a diary or anything? Do you think it's a good idea?

Hope all is well,

Ben "Dear Diary" Browne

TBC: Consider me to be a taser jolt to the base of your spine...

2008-08-14T23:42:33Z

Considering I had a bit of a hiss-e fit (geddit? It's like "hissy" and "e" as in "e-mail"...Nothing? Tough crowd...) last time, I've decided not to come crawling back, but to come marching back with renewed vigour in my heart and a bottle of whiskey in my hand.

So, what's been going on in Benland? Not much to be honest, just chilling out and keeping myself entertained. Mike came round a week or so ago to talk bollocks and watch films with me so that was cool. It's weird, when you don't see your friends for a while, you almost forget you like them- if that makes sense.Then you meet up and things are good again, like you only saw them the other day. 'Course none of this happened with Mike- five minutes in and I was scanning the room for something to hit him with (kidding).

I have noticed that MySpace and to a lesser extent, Facebook are a bit dead of late. I don't know whether that's because I haven't spent every five minutes refreshing my profile page to check for comments etc or not... So, here I am, imploring you to liven this place up. You have the power. How you ask? I dunno, but you can't go wrong with updating your blogs and commenting on mine (I'll comment back if neccessary...)

I watched "Cloverfield" again today and ended up feeling a bit sick. It was probably because of the fact that I'd had nothing to eat all day and very little to drink, rather than the erratic camera. Gave me an idea though. I shall set up "DizzyFest" in which the whole day is devoted to vomit inducing activities such as drinking heavily, spinning around and watching films that look like they've been filmed by Michael J. Fox. (i.e. The Bourne films, Cloverfield, The Blair Witch Project etc) Last one to puke wins! The prize? A bucket of the other contestants' puke...

Peace out people,

Ben "My head is spinnin'/Like a whirlpool it never ends" Browne

TBC: "Things that annoy me" Part 7 bajillion

2008-07-21T19:24:42Z

Believe it or not, I am still a miserable bugger who likes complaining about stuff. Shocked? Then get the hell away from my blog you simpleton, lest your stupidity catch.

1) American kids- Oh yes, they're back at the top of Benjamin J's shitlist. Why? Well, I am sick to death of these spoilt brats thinking they can fuck with my day when I'm playing the Xbox. I play the Xbox to chill out. I don't need some 13 year old Yank telling me that I'm a "fag" or implying that I have bad teeth.

This is all because it states I'm British on my profile and my accent seems to live up to their expectations of some kind of British toff. I have no idea where the teeth thing comes from so if someone could explain it to me that would be great.

I actually got told by a 12 year old (whilst playing the 18-rated Gears of War) to stop playing a kid's game and go kill myself. I snappily implied that he was only angry because he is regularly rectally fingered by a close family member and needs to vent all the sheer horror and guilt. I didn't get a reponse.

2) British kids - They are everywhere. (Ignore the fact that I live in Great Britain, I simply wanted a sort of theme linked to the first one. You've ruined it now. Hope you're happy) I basically mean kids in general. I went to Tesco today and there was an entire army of ankle-biters. Trouble is, they aren't very good at dodging my manly knees and I had to be extra careful not to damage any of them. Take into account that I am about as graceful as a one legged giraffe and you have a recipie for disaster.

3) 'The Dark Knight' hype- I will go out on a limb and say that no-one is more excited than me about the new film. However, I am so over the hype. It's ridiculous. Everywhere I look it's Batman this, Joker that. I don't want to be sick of the film before I actually see the freakin' thing! Speaking of which I am sick of the 'Joker scrawl' idea- exemplified here. It's a great idea but it's being lazily copied for film magazines and the like. This month's SFX is a prime example of how not to do it . Maybe it's because I live and breathe films, but I hate films being near release date and then shouted about like they're new on things like BBC News. Go back in time a couple of months to when I might have cared.

Sure, number 3 is sort of shallow when compared to the first two, but in this crazy, crazy world- what isn't shallow? Sounds harsh but people seem to care more about what's happening in "D- list Celebrity Degenerate Lock-up" aka "Big Brother" than the credit crunch and knife crime. Hey, at least I'm aware of that stuff...

Peace out people,

Ben "Why so serious?" Browne

BENJY BONUS!
Here are some of the blog outtakes. Try and guess where they originally appeared...

"...but I did hear a squelching noise"
"... and that's why I am no longer welcome at any midget convention. Seriously, they have pictures of me on the wall. Of course, it is a rather small wall..."
"At least it's better than a cheap hairdryer"

TBC: Benjamin's adventures in TVLand

2008-07-21T00:10:53Z

I know I moan a lot that nothing ever happens, but I had an epiphany today. After calling the doctor to make sure it wasn't serious, I concentrated on what said epiphany was telling me. "If nothing happens, make stuff happen" it boomed in a James Earl Jones voice. After pondering why my conscience seems to speak in a Darth Vader voice, I decided to ignore all that and watch some telly.

I hardly ever watch T.V. these days. There's just too much crap on. If I really want to watch something I'll find it on the iPlayer or failing that, by some other means. So, I decided to watch a channel I've never watched and try and stick with the programs no matter how crappy. I ended up watching "Zone:Reality" who were halfway through their "Super Spooky Sunday" marathon. With some trepidation I placed the remote out of reach and set myself at the mercy of "Ghost Hunt". It wasn't that bad! I've come across shows like this before, but they tend to be unbelievably shite *ahem* Most Haunted *ahem*. It's basically a team of 3 New Zealanders visting all the haunted locations around in New Zealand and then try to you guessed it- hunt ghosts. It's fascinating and yes, I was a bit scared even though it was 1 p.m. and the sun was shining outside.

Now, before you ask- yep, I am a big wimp. I don't believe in ghosts but something about the unknown creeps me out. Unfortunately the supernatural/paranormal world has always fascinated me and I remember renting books about "true" ghost sightings and being freaked out by the stories and photographs. Before I knew it, I had sat through 4 hours of "Ghost Hunt" and realised I should be doing something better with my life. Where does the time go when you're learning about ghostly orbs?

Peace out,

Ben "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" Browne

TBC3D: The Next Dimension

2008-07-01T22:16:03Z

Right, instead of moaning about my hayfever, I've decided to make this blog a bit more fun. Heh, I can sense the dread already. Well, I came across this idea whilst reminiscing about the 90's. I remember snap bands, POGs and actually thinking "Batman and Robin" was an amazing film *shudder* Further down this brief visit to Memory Lane, I stumbled upon "Hypercolor" T shirts and, more importantly, "Magic Eye" pictures. I remember being one of the one kids in my class who could see the hidden images and this quirk of fate made me a googly-eyed God (of sorts). So, here's the thing. I'm going to test you people with 7 "Magic Eye" pictures. Person who gets the most right gets to have a naked game of Twister with the two celebrities of their choice (I have contacts, I could make it happen...). So, let the eye straining begin!

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

7)

Your eyes nice and hurty now? Good.

I've been doing these all day. So much so I believe they were trying to tell me something...

Peace out people.

TBC: Lost amongst a sea of hayfever and assorted small change...

2008-07-01T01:02:09Z

I realised I hadn't posted in a few days so I thought I might as well.

God, I hate hayfever. Trust me to have something that resembles a "Summer cold". I mean, getting a cold in Winter's fine- it gets dark early and it's normally too frickin' cold to do anything anyway. Summer is the exact opposite and so people do things like have barbeques and go to theme parks an' that. Goddamn my stinging eyes. Damn them to Hades.

After the discovery of possibly the most amazing Bond novel ever, I have found more pennies than I know what to do with. It's like a ghetto Royal Mint in my room at the moment.

BREAKING NEWS: THIS BLOG ENTRY IS OFFICIALLY THE MOST BORING THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING!

Hey, just so you know- if some ninjas crashed through my window and I somehow invented a machine (possibly using the hojillions of pennies) that blew up their heads and saved the World- you people would be the first to know...

Peace out.

The Young Benjamin Browne Chronicles

2008-06-27T14:56:26Z

After undertaking the mammoth task of tidying my room, I found a time capsule. Well, a notebook from 1997. In contains the thoughts and scrawlings of an 11 year old Benjamin Jack Browne. Scary, no? Not only does it contain the start of a personal diary (ended after 3 days due to author boredom) but also the opening chapter to my James Bond novel. It's gripping stuff. I will now type verbatim what is in the notebook.

"Killing Time"
by
Ben Browne

Chapter 1: Symbolic Warning

The rain steadily beat down on the windows at MI6 HQ. Bond looked up from his desk and surveyed the night sky outside. He stood up and slowly walked towards the window, seeing his reflection mimicing his actions. James Bond looked over the River Thames to the busy roads. Cars in a queue, headlights blazing and horns blaring occupied the road. Bond hated the road in London but most of all he hated being stuck at the office, sat at his computer for hours on end.

As he focussed on his reflection, he could see something else reflected too. A little red light was flashing behind him. He spun round to see his office phone's light flash on and off. He walked to his desk and looked at the label next to the light. In small, blue ink it read "Moneypenny". "Odd" thought Bond and picked up the handset. "Bond here" he said. "James?" Moneypenny said softly. "James, something's happened" she said anxiuosly. "What?" said Bond. "Come to M's office" she said. Bond hung up.

Bond navigated the corridors quickly, dodging many people. When he arrived, Moneypenny said "Go right in". Bond opened the door. First thing he noticed was the atmosphere was tense. "Sit down, 007" M said. "008 is dead" she said."How?" Bond asked sadly. "He died of asthphixa...(Author's note: I believe I was trying to spell "Asphyxiation" but I seem to have given up halfway through) she said. "Strangled". "He was in Tokyo on the Yakuza mission- local authorities found the body half an hour ago-he had this carved into his chest" she handed Bond a small piece of card with a Japanese symbol on it. "Do you know what it means, 007?" Bond muttered "Death". "It's as we feared 007, the Reapers are back" she said."

I'm still awaiting the call to be the next Bond author. Also yes, the spelling mistakes have been left uncorrected. Everyone makes mistoikes.

"Peace out people" Browne said.

TBC: Vagrant Jack and the Ten Commandments

2008-06-23T17:49:20Z

Whilst the above title would be the most AWESOME name for a band EVER, it also neatly ties in the events and thoughts from the past couple of days.

It started yesterday evening whilst I was taking Gwen for a walk. Suddenly, I was aware of a white and brown blur shooting around the dog and around my feet. When the blur stopped, I could see that it was merely a hyperactive Jack Russell rather than some supernatural entity (as my first suspicion had been). I humoured him and kept walking along. He followed me. I looked around for an owner but none could be seen. He kept following me. After a while, I concluded that his worried owner was around somewhere and that I should try and shoo him away. It didn't work. The little bastard thought it was a game. After 20 minutes of unwittingly playing a rousing game of "Silly Buggers" I decided to just go home. Alas, as I walked homeward bound, he followed me- weaving on and off the road. I was tempted to just leave him, but my conscience made damn sure to play all sorts of horrific scenarios in my head. I hate my conscience.

Medium length story short, I brought him home. Leah put on her "animal in distress" hat and found out the number of the dog warden. She also stayed up all night with him (who was now named "Jack"). Fair dues to her."Jack" went with the dog warden this morning. Hope he's alright. On another note, Gwen is still ignoring the both of us.

Woke up to the news that George Carlin had died. Pretty shitty start to the day as Carlin was a genius. See here and here. I've always loved his views on religion. My favourite bit of his is his "defragging" of the Ten Commandments- see here.

Peace out, people.

TBC: 'Cos this is filler/ filler night...

2008-06-18T23:57:25Z

I can't think of any hilarious or deeply misanthropic to say. I feel like I've failed you. Give me love?

TBC: Bumper Buster Party Weekend Central Special!

2008-06-16T02:58:14Z

It's been busy, busy, busy this weekend. Not that I've had anything to do with it. I've mostly been in bed- I'm damn lazy. Anyways- it was Mum's birthday on Saturday and it mostly went off without a hitch. Of course- there had to be a hitch because I was involved somehow. I'm what's commonly referred to as a "liability". So how did ol' Benjamin J. manage to screw things up?

Well, Mum arrived home after a trip to the garden centre. Her friend Donna bought her a lovely hanging basket for a birthday present (I'm sure you can see where this is going). After carefully lifting it from the car's footwell, Mum handed it to me to hang up outside. I took a few steps, lifted it up and it fell. I would love to say it was one of those slow-motion moments,where I have a heightened awareness of everything and that I leapt into the air in a vain effort to catch it.It wasn't. It happened so damn fast. Before I knew it, there was dirt and petals everywhere. I spun round just in time to see Mum's heartbroken face. (That sounds weird. Let's just say it was obvious that she was heartbroken by the look on her face). Happy birthday, Mum (!) All was forgiven though. After all, it was ~~cleverly engineered to look like an accident because I wanted revenge~~ a genuine accident. Still feel guilty, though.

Sunday was Father's Day. Whilst we didn't completely buy into the merchandising and shameless consumerism of it, we did have my Grandad over for a lunch-y type thing. It was nice. I normally try to avoid using the word "nice" but that's actually what it was. It was peaceful, sunny, family-orientated, lunch-type day. It's comforting to know my family aren't completely fucking nuts all the time.

Peace out.

The Benjamin Chronicles: Now with 50% more venom! (and 20% more misanthropy!)

2008-06-13T22:31:35Z

Yes, it's spleen venting, gut-wrenching rant time. It takes a while before these things build up and become a vitriolic entry of bile. So be thankful/grateful/cakeful- I don't care.

THINGS I FUCKING HATE:

1) Cashiers who say "thanking you" after you pay them (without irony): Seriously? Do I say "paying you" as I hand over the money? It's ridiculous and annoying.

2) Loud-mouthed American fuckpigs: I recently joined a Facebook group aiming to break a Guinness World Record ( a certified one). As I browsed through the discussion, I came across the reserved and neutral topic entitled "I shit out better things than Great Britain" This stuff always fucking annoys me. I don't know why really, it's not as if I know the words to "God Save the Queen" or anything. I'm proud of our country though. On the global scale where size matters, the U.K. does incredibly well for itself.

I noticed something when I was out in Florida- almost every house had the American flag waving outside. I regarded it as gaudy, but to them this is "patriotic". Not to mention the fact that all the twatbags who insist on commenting on my YouTube videos are from the U.S. I play the Xbox online and there's always some whiny American kids calling everybody "fags" and when they twig that I'm British I hear things like "limey bastard" and some remark about the state of my teeth.Then, when I challenge them- they inform me that America "roXXorz" or something equally retarded. There's a fine line between being patriotic and being a hooting dickhole...

3) My materialistic ways: Everytime I look round my room, I'm pretty appalled that I have so much stuff. I don't need any of it really, but my leisure time is mostly taken up with tracking down more items that promise to make my life complete. They never do.

4) Paint: More specifically the paint that tipped over in our downstairs toilet and went FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Of course, I noticed this in the wee hours of the morning and had to clean it up there and then, lest it dry on the flagstone flooring. 3 hours and 2 binbags full of paint-covered newspaper later, I was done. Christ, that was horrible. I keep having dreams of drowning in a sea of emulsion...

5) People who say things like "I'm not being funny, but..." and "No offence": Just please stop with these phrases. Please. It's irritating beyond belief. Especially the "No offence" one, because people seem to believe it's some sort of dialogue "Get Out of Jail Free" card. If you say "Ben, you are a fucking twat with all the charm of a dead dog's labia- no offence" rest assured I will rip off your face and make you eat it.

Ah, much better.

Peace out people- hope your days are filled with sunshine and hugs.

TBC: When inspiration runneth dry, turn to the Lord.

2008-06-12T01:03:53Z

Well, in a manner of speaking.

Since my daily life continues to be long stretches of nothing glued together with smaller bits o' nothing, I am finding it challenging to keep up this blog.

However, something occurred to me today. A website I haven't visited in a long damn time. (No, not Mexxxicanmidgetporn.com- I'm on there all the time) it's a little website called http://www.teens-4-christ.org

Before I start the other form of Bible-bashing, let me say something. I have no problem with religion. Just because I don't believe in an afterlife and whatnot,doesn't mean others shouldn't. Hell, if something encourages you to lead a life without drugs, crime etc. then good on you.

Having said that I do believe that you can take things too far. The above website is the fucking definition of "too far".

Here's a choice topic on the forums.

"Lex: A few of my friends are getting excited about the upcoming release of the final Harry Potter book. I have read the last six, and didn't really have a problem with them... I know that "witches and wizards" are immoral, but I don't think anyone supposed to think the Harry Potter books are real... and there are alot of other great morals (especially about love, family, friendship, etc.)

But I was wondering, what people here thought about them? Has anyone else read them?

Imasaved1: Exo 22:18 Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

God takes a very dim view on witchcraft, to say the least. I believe any form of witchcraft is purely satanic and should be completely avoided by anyone.

HP is openly promoting witchcraft. It's a no-brainer. It just should not be allowed, permitted or tolerated.

Honestly, I believe parents who allow this satanic mess will be held accountable before God."

I noticed that "Lex" was banned because of this. Where do these people get off? It's unbelievable.

Something that has always bothered me is that pride is one of the seven deadly sins, right? So why do Christians put that metal fish on the back of their car? Surely it's there to show pride in their religion, right? Bah. Basically, I'm saying that anyone who buys a metal car fish is going straight to Hell (unless it's this one- that shit's genius)

Another topic had me laughing:

"fallenangel: Is there anything wrong with a Christian girl saying "stinks" plz let me know if there is"

Our Harry Potter lovin' pal "imasaved1" comes back with this:

"imasaved1: I'm glad you asked. There are a lot of 'Christian' swear words.

I must admit, as I think of it, I am guilty as well.

If you are saying something has a foul odor about it, then there is nothing wrong with saying it stinks (duh) but if you are expressing your frusration, then it is one of those Christian swear words. For example, if you stub your toe, and you exclaim, "Oh stink!" The phrase becomes an expression of your pain and frustration. In that case, it is a sin."

I freakin' love the idea of saying "Oh stink!" and the fact that if I did I would be committing a sin. To be honest, I've grown too attached to screaming "Cuntbuckets!". If you think that's bad, you should hear me when I stub my toe...

Yours in Christ.

TBC: Mainichi Issho!

2008-06-09T22:48:52Z

I have realised that I use the word "bored" and all its variations too much. This whole Abergavenny thing isn't "boring" per se, it's just there is a lack of things to do. As we know, a lack of things to do is a great conduit to two things:

1) Creativity
2) Acting like an assclown

I have never experienced the former before, someone should tell me what it's like.

For some reason, I set up a Japanese account on the PlayStation 3. Basically, this means that I get all the free stuff the Japanese people get. Unfortunately, I don't know any Japanese, so it's basically pot luck what I download from there.

The other day I downloaded the strangest thing ever. It's a sort of game with talking cats like this one. He has a black cat friend and they talk to each other in Japanese. Luckily, it is subtitled. Unluckily, it is subtitled in Japanese.

After some research (i.e. typing "PS3 Cat game" into Google) I found out that this game was called "Mainichi Issho!" or "Everyday Together!" It's like a Tamagotchi/blogging type thing in which you play Rock, Paper, Scissors and guess how much money is shown whilst hitting the other cat with a rolled up newspaper and using some sort of floral dish as a shield. You couldn't make this stuff up.

So why am I telling you about this? Well, I'm oddly fascinated with it. I have no idea what I'm doing on it half the time, but I feel like an archaeologist deciphering an ancient language. Honestly, it's becoming an addiction. I'm still trying to figure out the point of the news bulletins as well as a number of other baffling things. Wish me luck.

In the real world, I ache like an old man's knees on a Winter's day. It's all thanks to putting together and eventually jumping on a trampoline at Hannah's house. I have come to the conclusion that I am allergic to exercise. However, I am allergic to fatty foods too- I swell up like a balloon and my mobility becomes impeded somewhat. I can't win. Is it any wonder I prefer the virtual world sometimes?

TBC: A couple of things...

2008-06-09T16:37:31Z

1) Like a snivelling spouse crawling back to their abusive partner, I'm posting my blog on MySpace again. So, I have one leg here and one leg there. Technically this leaves my groin open for a kicking, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

2) Do you have any ideas for spicing up my blog at all? Honestly, I can't just keep talking about the mundane shite that happens to me- it's boring to live, let alone to read. Believe me, if anything interesting happens to me you people will be the first to know. So questions, comments and other stuff are helpful as they give me inspiration. Christ, even the steady flow of spam e-mail I get has slowed down to a trickle these days, so no essayel style, witty spam replying.

Writer's Block: Irksome Films

2008-06-09T16:14:13Z

Talk about the movie that you love to hate the most, and why.

View 500 Answers

White Chicks by far. It's like everything I don't find funny wrapped in a convenient, hate-worthy package. Seriously, if I've had a bad day I rate it from 1 to White Chicks. However, it's never been as bad as that. Thank God.

Writer's Block: Cereal: By the People, For the People

2008-06-05T17:43:02Z

If you made up your own cereal, what would it consist of, and what would you call it?

View 501 Answers

I would call them Cardi-Os and they would consist of:
chocolate covered marshmallow hearts,
cookie chunks,
bacon bits (actual bacon),
lard frosting
and a packet of chemicals in every box that turn the milk the same flavour and consistency of fudge.
The back of the box would offer life insurance and an ongoing competition in which the consumer is challenged to each the cereal for every meal for a week. If the participant survives, they win! The prize would be a fortnight's supply of the cereal.

TBC: "White Chicks", double clicks and some other nonsense

2008-06-04T00:57:04Z

Haven't posted for a couple of days,so I thought I'd check in.

As you know, I like films. I like them in the way Michael Jackson likes children. I would honestly throw films down on my bed and make passionate love to them if possible. I have a problem, I know.

My point being is that my love of films sometimes gets in the way of my people skills. Take my highly volatile sister, Leah for example. She recently told me one of her favourite films is the abomination White Chicks. She might as well have told me she's an S&M lovin' lesbian, because I still can't look her in the eye. If you want a sample of the pure, unfunny, evil that is White Chicks you can find the trailer here (if you do watch it, think two things to yourself. One, these are the best jokes in the film?! Two, what would be the scale of the outcry if the roles were reversed and the film was called Black Chicks ?)

Double clicks? Nothing really, just wanted something non-genital related to rhyme with 'White Chicks'. I do like the sound though : )

Also I'd like to inform people of something you may see me doing regularly. It's called "Get's" (actual name- don't blame me on the apostrophe placement) This clip explains it well. Yes, it's a years old Japanese craze, but hey- just pass it off as kookiness and move on...

Shine on, you crazy diamonds...

The Benjamin Chronicles: How I became a vampire...

2008-05-31T19:18:58Z

Since I've left the whole blogging thing alone for a couple of days, I thought I'd finish off the month the way I started it- with a stream of nonsensical ramblings that have little or no effect to anyone's daily life.

So, as I've said- I'm a vampire now. Not the cool kind that can fly, transform into a bat or even sucks blood (I suck at a lot of things, but necks aren't one of them) . I'm now adverse to sunlight. For some reason my sleep pattern has flipped so I'm now awake all night and asleep all day. It's not good. You won't believe how much your sleeping pattern determines how quickly you think or what kind of mood you're in. Drastic action needs to be taken- horse tranquilisers have already been ordered.

Recently I've taken to powersliding across my carpet trying to beat my scores on Guitar Hero III. I can't help but get caught up in it. That's the thing. I'm essentially pressing buttons in time to music- something which chimps have been scientifically proven to be able to do. So why do I feel that I have to pull faces and poses like I'm the next Hendrix? I'm glad no-one can see how stupid I look when I'm playing.

To be perfectly honest I feel pretty alone at the moment. Leah's gone to Norfolk and is going to Warwick from there. Sian has gone to America for 3 months and Hannah is working a lot of the time. I do have more friends but none of them are in Aber. Hmm. At least on Guitar Hero I have people cheering for me.